Pre-Martial Enrichment Program

Estimated Program Outline

1-3 Sessions: Let me get to know you!  What are your hopes, fears and goals for the class?  How did you meet? What is going well?

• Patterns of communication 

• Review your assessment results

• Family of Origin 

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Overview of the seven principles, Gottman's research, and lecture on what makes a marriage work:

• Longest lecture on summary of class

• Video discussing Gottman's 4 horsemen that are disasters to marriages

• Assign a practice assignment

• This session covers chapters 1-3

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Enhance your love maps

• Lecture for about 10 minutes on Principle 1

• Practice Exercise on Love Maps

• Practice Exercise on Asking open-ended questions

• Assign a practice assignment

• This session covers Chapter 4

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Nurture Your fondness and admiration

• Lecture on Principles 2 and 3

• Practice exercise on cherishing your partner

• Assign a practice assigned on Fondness and Admiration

• Principle 3

• Turning Toward Bids of Connection

• This session covers Chapters 5 & 6     

Stress Reduction Exercise

• Increase your ability to truly listen to each other related to stressful events in your life (not related to conflict)

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A stress-reducing exercise called "soothing oneself and one's partner." The exercise involves taking turns as the listener and the speaker. The speaker shares their feelings and the listener listens without interrupting or trying to solve the problem. The listener then repeats back what they heard to show understanding and validate the speaker's emotions. The goal is to reduce stress and promote emotional intimacy in the relationship.

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Let your Partner Influence you/2 kinds of conflict

• Lecture on Principle 4
• Exercise 1, Yield to win
• Two kinds of conflict
• Exercise on solvable and perpetual problems
• Lecture the keys to managing conflict
• Covers chapters 7 & 8

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Working on solving solvable problems

• Lecture on principle 5 - soften your startup

• Exercise practice on softening startup

• Lecture on learning to make and receive repair attempts  

• Practice with the repair checklist by learning how to repair after conflict and 4 horsemen

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Full session on anxiety and self-soothing practice

• Self-soothing practice exercise

• Self-regulation

• Co-regulation

• Nervous System overview from a psychological perspective 

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Self-regulation of emotions refers to an individual's ability to manage and control their emotions in a healthy and adaptive way. It involves recognizing and identifying one's emotions, evaluating the intensity and impact of those emotions, and then choosing an appropriate response or action that aligns with personal values and goals. Self-regulation of emotions is important for overall emotional well-being, effective communication, and healthy relationships. 

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Introduce the Initiator-Inquirer framework on how to work through an issue

• Introduce how to practice

• Read through an example

• Practice with examples

• Practice talking about a topic of couples' choice using the I-I approach. 

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​The initiator-inquirer process is a tool used in couples therapy to help couples communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. The process involves one person, called the initiator, bringing up an issue or concern in a respectful and non-critical way. The other person, called the inquirer, then asks questions to better understand the issue and the initiator's perspective. The inquirer is encouraged to avoid making assumptions or judgments and to focus on gathering information. Once the inquirer has a better understanding, they can then share their own thoughts and feelings on the matter. The goal of the initiator-inquirer process is to promote healthy communication, understanding, and collaboration between partners.​

* Review and practice of the I-I approach 

During our sessions, we will engage in further practice of the I-I approach. Each partner will have the chance to address an issue that they would like to apply the teachings to. It's essential to note that, as this is a practice session, the topic brought up should be non-threatening and have less emotional intensity to it. This slower approach will allow couples to become familiar with the format before moving on to more emotionally challenging topics.

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* The Art of Comprise 

• Lecture on how to compromise

• Exercise on how to practice using the skills of compromising about issues

• It's essential to note that, as this is a practice session, the topic brought up should be non-threatening and have less emotional intensity to it. This slower approach will allow couples to become familiar with the format before moving on to more emotionally challenging topics.

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Compromise involves finding a middle ground between two conflicting needs or desires, where both partners feel heard and valued. This involves active listening, empathy, and a willingness to negotiate and make small sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. Additionally, research stresses the importance of taking breaks and avoiding getting stuck in negative patterns during the compromise process.​

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* Review of session and practice session  on compromise​

• We will continue to practice the art of compromise on a non-threatening or safe subject matter

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* Overcome gridlock or long term issues

• Lecture on Principle 6  

• Lecture and overview of understanding the dream behind the conflict

• Practice exercises on detecting dreams behind the conflict

• Lecture on working on a gridlocked Issue

• Practice exercise on a gridlocked martial issue

• This session covers Chapter 11

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The "dreams within conflict" approach involves helping couples to identify their deeper, underlying dreams and aspirations, which often get buried in the midst of conflict. By understanding and acknowledging each other's dreams, couples can learn to support each other and work towards shared goals, rather than getting bogged down in disagreements and misunderstandings. The technique involves a structured conversation process that helps couples to listen to each other, identify their individual dreams, and find common ground for moving forward.

 Overcoming gridlock Part 2

• We will continue to practice the application of the principles of the "Dream within Conflict" exercise to address an issue in your relationship. Please be advised that we will begin with a safe and approachable topic as this is a new skill. 

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Create shared meaning

• Review readings or assignments

• Lecture on principle 7 the ideas of shared meaning pillars: rituals of connection, support for each other's roles, shared goals, shared values and symbols

• Exercise on using the four pillars above

• Lecture on The magic 6 hours

• Lecture on The marital poop detector

• Lecture on forgiving yourself

• Practice exercise 

• Next steps for therapy or plan of action for applying the skills over time

• This session covers Chapter 12

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Shared meaning, as described by John Gottman, refers to the shared values, beliefs, goals, and traditions that couples create together over time. It involves creating a sense of purpose and direction for the relationship, beyond just the daily routines and tasks. It requires ongoing communication and negotiation to develop and maintain, and is based on a deep understanding and acceptance of each other's individual perspectives and backgrounds. Shared meaning can help couples navigate challenges and conflicts, and provide a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in the relationship.