In recent years, society has made an important shift in recognizing and calling out toxic, manipulative, and narcissistic behaviors. For too long, individuals who suffered emotional abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation were made to feel like they were the problem—that they were to blame for someone else's harmful actions. The cultural conversation has moved toward affirming that, no, it's not the victim’s fault. This validation has been crucial, offering people the clarity and self-respect to set boundaries and reject the narrative that they are responsible for another person's lack of accountability.
However, in my observing cultural patterns and watching social media (and hearing others speak out on this issue as well), I’ve noticed a concerning trend: the pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction that some people are now over-identifying with the victim role. While recognizing and naming toxic behavior is essential, staying in a perpetual state of victimhood can keep us stuck in the very cycle we are trying to escape.
The Victim Role and the Loss of Self
When someone has been hurt—especially by someone with narcissistic traits—it’s natural to feel anger, grief, and a need for justice. But if all our energy stays focused on the other person’s wrongdoing, we may inadvertently lose sight of our own healing. In many cases, the conversation becomes entirely about how the other person is “the problem” while little attention is given to self-reflection and growth.
I want to be clear: this is not about excusing or justifying the actions of manipulative or abusive people. Setting boundaries and calling out harmful behavior is necessary. But it’s equally important to recognize that staying in anger and blame too long can keep us disempowered—because all our focus is still on them, rather than on reclaiming our own life and personal responsibility.
This is where shadow work comes in.
What is Shadow Work?
Shadow work, a concept developed by Carl Jung, refers to the process of exploring the unconscious parts of ourselves that we may reject, deny, or project onto others. These include insecurities, fears, old wounds, and patterns of behavior that we might not be fully aware of but that influence our lives.
When we feel deeply victimized, it can be uncomfortable to acknowledge our own shadow aspects—our fears, our unhealthy patterns, or ways we may have contributed to a dynamic (not caused the abuse, helplessness, but perhaps ignored red flags, stayed in situations too long, or struggled with self-worth). Yet facing our own shadows is what ultimately helps us move from being stuck in pain to healing and empowerment.
Defensive Ego: The Barrier to Growth
Another concept at play is the defensive ego—the part of us that reacts with self-righteousness, blame, or anger when we feel threatened. The defensive ego often creates a black-and-white view: I am the innocent victim, and they are the evil monster. While this may feel validating, it can also keep us from acknowledging the complexities of human relationships and our own areas of growth.
A person with narcissistic traits often has a highly defensive ego, making it difficult for them to take accountability, show empathy, or engage in self-reflection. They instinctively deflect guilt and shame onto others because their ego perceives these emotions as too unbearable and vulnerable to hold within themselves. But ironically, if we stay too long in the victim mindset, we can start adopting similar patterns: defensiveness, righteousness, and an unwillingness to examine our emotional wounds.
Reclaiming Your Power: The “And” Mindset
So, where do we go from here?
Yes, we must name harmful behaviors and set boundaries.
Yes, we should not take responsibility for someone else's toxic actions.
AND we need to do the inner work to ensure we are not giving away our power by staying stuck in resentment, blame, or a sense of helplessness.
Healing means shifting from "Look what they did to me!" to "How can I heal and grow from this?" It means noticing our own wounds, patterns, and beliefs that may be keeping us stuck. It’s not about excusing others—it’s about freeing ourselves.
Steps Toward Healing
Recognize When You’re Stuck in the Victim Role ask yourself, Am I constantly focused on what someone else did wrong, or am I also working on my own healing?
Explore Your Own Shadow Parts are there patterns in your relationships that keep repeating? Are there parts of you that struggle with boundaries, self-worth, or fear of change?
Shift the Focus Inward Instead of staying stuck in what someone else did, start asking: What do I need to heal? How can I move forward?
Balance Accountability with Self-Compassion This is not about blaming yourself—it’s about reclaiming your power by doing the inner work that leads to true healing.
Ultimately, healing is about integration. We don’t have to erase our pain or deny what happened, but we also don’t have to stay in it forever. The most powerful thing we can do is shift our focus from the external to the internal, stepping into a place of self-awareness, self-compassion, and true empowerment.
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