Getting to Know Your “Should Be” Part: How to Start Unblending and Building Compassion
I often see clients dealing with parts of themselves that are trying really hard to protect them. One of the most common parts I encounter is what I call the "should be" part. This is the voice that tells you things like, "You should be feeling this way," or "You should act like that." It’s well-meaning and usually trying to shield you from something painful, like feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing. But, even with good intentions, it can end up leading to a lot of self-judgment, making things harder instead of easier.
The first step in working with a part like this is simply to unblend from it—meaning, to start noticing when it shows up and recognizing that it’s just one part of you, not all of you. This process can take time, and that’s okay. We’re not rushing to change it or fix it. The goal is to get curious, to understand this part, and to build some compassion toward it.
So, how do you begin? Here are some simple steps to help you start unblending and getting to know your "should be" part.
Mindful Noticing
The next time you catch yourself thinking, “I should be doing this,” or “I should act like that,” take a pause. Notice what’s happening in your body. Is there tension, tightness, or maybe a sense of pressure?
Then, just ask yourself, “What is this part telling me right now?” No need to judge or push it away—just observe. This helps you create a little space between you and the part.
Part Journaling
Journaling can be a great tool here. Each time you notice your "should be" part making an appearance, write down what it’s saying. What’s the message? What feelings come up? And what do you think this part is trying to protect you from? Maybe it’s afraid of you failing or being judged. Try to wrap up the journal entry by acknowledging the part: "I see you’re trying to protect me, and I appreciate that." This kind of validation helps soften the intensity of the part.
Visualizing the Part
Sometimes it can help to visualize your "should be" part as something more tangible. What does this part look like? Is it a character, a symbol, or an image? Maybe it has a certain energy or voice. The idea is to get curious about it. You could even give it a name if that feels right for you. This process of externalizing the part helps you see it as something separate from your core self, which can make it less overwhelming.
Talking to Your Part
This might sound a little strange at first, but engaging in a conversation with your "should be" part can be really insightful. You could do this through writing or even speaking aloud. Ask questions like, "What are you trying to protect me from?" or "How long have you been with me?" Then, listen for the answers. Often, these parts have been around for a long time, trying to shield us from something they think is too painful to face. Acknowledging their efforts can be incredibly healing.
Mapping Out Emotions
You could also try mapping out the emotions connected to this part. Think about what feelings come up when the "should be" part is in control—fear, shame, guilt? Maybe it’s trying to protect you from something even deeper. Draw out those emotions or write them down. Seeing them on paper helps you make connections that aren’t always clear in the moment.
Body Awareness and Scanning
Our bodies are great at signaling when parts like the "should be" part are taking over. Next time it shows up, try doing a quick body scan. Notice where there’s tension—maybe in your shoulders, chest, or stomach. Just acknowledging these sensations can help you unblend from the part and come back to yourself. You don’t need to fix it, just notice it.
Art as Expression
If you enjoy being creative, try drawing or painting your "should be" part. It doesn’t have to be perfect or even make sense. Just express what this part feels like to you. Externalizing it this way can help you gain a new perspective and see it as something separate from who you truly are.
Creating New Responses
It can be helpful to have a few go-to responses ready for when this part shows up. For example, if the "should be" part says, "You should be doing more," you might respond with, "I see you’re trying to help me be my best, but I also know that I’m enough right now." Acknowledging the part’s intention while also standing firm in your worth can create balance.
Time Travel Visualization
Sometimes, it helps to go back to the first time you remember this part showing up. Close your eyes and imagine yourself at that age—what was going on? How did this "should be" part try to protect you back then? Offer that younger version of yourself and the part some compassion, recognizing that it was doing the best it could.
Daily Check-Ins
Lastly, consider doing a quick daily check-in. Take a few minutes to reflect on whether the "should be" part showed up during the day. What was it trying to protect you from? How did you respond? This simple practice helps you stay in touch with the part without letting it take over.
The key to working with this part is to start slowly. One approach is to take on a mindful mindset—you're not trying to fix it. Instead, you're learning to help it feel safe enough so you can eventually approach it with more self-energy. You can check out some of my other posts on self-energy for more on this concept.
Personally, I like to begin by simply noticing the part and acknowledging it. I might say, "I see you," then take a deep breath, feel grounded, and check in with how it feels in my body before saying anything to the part. This practice helps teach my nervous system that it’s safe for this part to be present, and I don’t need to run from it or distract myself.
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